Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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