i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
