He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
