If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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