I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
