I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize