did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
