dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
