K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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