this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
