Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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