i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
