god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
