we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
