life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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