Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
