My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
