tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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