Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
