Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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