After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
