I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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