I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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