I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize