I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize