My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize