i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
smell my finger.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
