OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
