Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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