I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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