we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
