why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
