His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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