So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
