i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
