I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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