Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
there is puke in my bra ... again
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
