He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
