Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
