just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
