Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
