I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
