i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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