Ambien. No doubt about it.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
