tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
