Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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