he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
