I hope mine doesn't look like that
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
