Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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