I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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