Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
