He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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