She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
