Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
