well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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