i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize