Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
