Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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