I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
