Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
