im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
