i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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